Leave Me Behind

Bunny’s soft breathing comforts me. Is this what it’s like to have a partner? I bury my face into her hair and let her scent soothe my nerves. I move my hand up from her stomach and trace her ribs, quickly finding raised skin from the scar I’ve left her with.

Eren’s words on the headset replay in my head, buzzing in my mind like locusts. “Kill her, Bones. I knew he’d set us up… He fucked me over. Kill her!”

It was almost like he didn’t give a shit about her killing Ian. Like the news of him being the infiltrator meant nothing to him. I’ve never heard him so furious.

Who was he talking about? I close my eyes and press a kiss to her head. Her naked body is pressed against mine and I’ve never been so warm in my entire life. Everything about her quells my demons.

I almost choked her to death today and something broke deep in my heart when the betrayal registered on her features. The pain in her gaze was enough to bury me a thousand times over.

Eren will hate me for this, but I can’t keep his secret anymore.

I pull her closer against my chest and she makes a small, cute sound before rolling over and facing me. She tucks her head into my chest and wraps a leg around one of mine. A smile spreads over my lips.

“I have a secret to tell you.” I stroke her hair back. Bunny’s hands curl against my chest. I smile that she’s trying so hard to pretend to be sleeping.

“My mother was sick most her life and she only got five years with me and Eren before she passed. I didn’t know she was sick for a long time, not until our aunt started taking us to see her in the hospital. She always looked worse each time we saw her. She stopped caring to see us and stopped smiling. She became cruel. It took a year of hospitalization before she finally died, and by the time she did, I was calloused to the idea of her. She didn’t even remember us and I hated it. I hated her.”

I pause and stare at the dimming light to the entrance of the cave.

“I hated her because I didn’t yet understand how her sickness took her mind. My aunt explained to us that our mother loved us very much, that she didn’t mean the horrible things she said before she died. But I was a wicked child. I truly was born off. I didn’t care. I was indifferent, ready to move on with life. But Eren? He thought about the evil that grows in the human soul and he broke. In more ways than I could ever describe.”

Bunny looks up at me. She doesn’t interrupt me, though, just watches my features. I refuse to meet her gaze.

“He killed our aunt when we were twelve. He grew tired of her senseless beatings and decided to take care of it. Made it look like an accident, but I always knew his secrets and he knew I’d always keep them. But then we grew up and we dreamed of a life better than what we had. Eren dreamed bigger. He wanted the world. He wanted power.

“I didn’t so much care for it. I just wanted to stay by his side. So we signed up for the military. Eren read a lot of black market shit. He wanted to get involved with the underground dealers and sell weapons. It was a great gig for a few years. I became top of my platoon, and he rose to sergeant. But then we were caught red-handed by our general. At first we thought we were going to federal prison but, to our surprise, the general sent us to the dark forces. Something, at the time, we didn’t even know existed. We were such a lethal duo that we were placed with Malum immediately. And fuck, did we love every second of it. The dead bodies didn’t matter and neither did the terrible things that Eren’s underground operation allowed really, really bad people to do.”

I swallow and finally look down into her eyes. Her empty stare gives nothing away, so I press on reluctantly.

“Two years ago, he got into a fight with his dealing partner. He won’t tell me what happened, but it was bad enough for him to pull his exports that were on their way to Patagonia. I think whoever he fucked over may have been the reason for the attack.”

She sits up, spine stiff and eyes wide with rage.

“You’re not talking about the attack on Riøt…” she says slowly, like she doesn’t believe me. Her hand trembles and she pierces me with hollow, burning eyes.

I rise to sit beside her, but she scoots away. Our eyes don’t part.

“I’m sorry.”

Bunny stands swiftly. I raise my chin to look up at her and when I do, she decks me in the jaw. My head turns to the right and my skull clammers against the rocks of the cave floor.

“I deserved that.” I rise slowly, wiping my bleeding lip with my bare wrist.

She lifts her arm to punch me again and this time I catch it. She doesn’t miss a beat, her other hand is faster than the first and she slaps my face so hard my teeth dig into my lower lip.

“I hate you!” She screams, an inch from my nose. I shove her back so I can restrain both of her arms. Bunny is strong, but without her weapons she’s not much of a match for me. I’m twice her size. I wrangle her wrists together and tie them up again. I tether her to a large boulder in the corner of the cave and cover her mouth with my hand, being mindful of her teeth and hoping she won’t use them.Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.

I glare at her and say coldly, “I’m telling you this because I care about you, Bun. I’m sick of lying. I don’t give a shit about your squad, but I wanted to tell you because I can’t lie for him anymore. Not when he wanted me to murder you.”

The fight goes out of her eyes and she slumps against the stone, already worn out from the struggle. Her breath is ragged and heavy.

“I’m going to remove my hand now and if you start yelling again I’ll have to tape your mouth shut until we reach the bunker. Understand?”

She nods, hateful tears filling her eyes.

I move my hand and she takes a few deep breaths before muttering in the most broken voice I’ve heard from her, “You knew the whole time?”

A dull ache ricochets in my chest.

“I had a suspicion after you joined our squad that the events were related.” It sounds stupid. I don’t blame her for glaring at me.

Her head lowers. “Is there more?”

My pause is answer enough, but I mumble anyway, “Yeah.”

She doesn’t say anything else, but tears roll down her cheeks and crash against her legs. I force my eyes back to the entrance of the cave.

“There weren’t supposed to be any survivors. But you lived. Eren didn’t find out until a few months ago and he doesn’t like leaving anything unfinished. So he made a few calls and had you recruited to Malum. General Nolan owed him a favor and he promised you’d be safe with us. Eren wanted to use you as insurance to protect me.” My voice seems so loud even though I’m speaking just above a whisper.

Bunny writhes against her restraints, murder in her gaze. She wants to kill me and part of me wishes she would.

“You motherfucker!” She tries to kick me, but I stand before she can land a blow. “Did you know who I was the night we met…”

My fists clench at my sides. “No. I swear, I didn’t know who you were. Eren did, but he didn’t tell me until I stormed into his room that night after we…”

Her eyes are golden pits of fury. “You should’ve killed me… because I’ll never look at you the same.”

“I’m sorry.” My gut twists at how choked up I sound. What use is an apology now?

“Insurance from who? Who’s fucking after you two?!”

“I don’t know.” The truth. Her eyes narrow with doubt. “There are things Eren even keeps from me, Bun. My brother has made an enemy that actually keeps him up at night. I’ve never pressed him on it. He’d never tell me anyway.”

She thinks for a long time in silence. Until the sun sets and our clothes have partially dried. I get dressed and help her with her clothes before binding her wrists again. We leave the cave and walk for hours in the direction of the second bunker.

She’s quiet for so long that it startles me when she finally speaks.

“The only good Riøt soldier is a dead one,” she says coldly, in the exact tone as I used before.

Guilt settles like a beast in my chest. There are no words I can say that will bring her comfort.

“You two are the reason my squad is dead.”

I face her, my blood hot. “No. I’m not. My brother maybe, but not me.”

Her eyes soften a moment before she swallows and gives me a regretful smile. “A black bullet killed Abrahm.” Her voice breaks.

I stare at her. Why is she bringing that up?

Her eyes pool with tears. Guilt and sorrow twist her features. My eyes slowly widen and my chest constricts. I open my mouth and then shut it. She doesn’t know what she’s saying… because if she’s saying that⁠—

“It was me. I shot him.”

The blood leaves my head and all I can do is look at her.

“I was aiming for you.”

Bunny lets her shoulders fall in defeat.

Her admittance is like a shot to my nervous system. She killed him? Abrahm’s last breaths resurface in my memory, his fading light, the blood. She… took him from me.

I wrap my hands around her neck and she doesn’t fight against it. Tears fall silently down my cheeks. “What have you done?” I whisper shakily.

Her eyes are dull. “I felt nothing. I was upset that I didn’t hit you.”

My hands tighten around her flesh and my jaw trembles. Her eyes flinch at the pressure.

“Why?” I ask, and it’s so quiet and broken it makes her eyes narrow in anguish. Did Eren know that it was her?

“I was following orders,” she chokes out. Who gave her those orders?

Her body slumps and I guide her down to her knees. I can feel each strangled breath she sips as they flutter beneath my palms. My brows pinch together with despair. “Why would you tell me?”

Her eyes dim and she fucking smiles. It shatters my heart and my hands loosen, trembling. She mutters, “I didn’t know the weight of taking life. Not until Jenkins died. Not until I met you. I wanted to tell you earlier…” Her lips are dry and chapped, smeared with black paint. “I’m sorry, Bradshaw.”

My resolve breaks.

I release her and put space between us. My breathing is erratic and I feel like I’m two seconds from having a heart attack. I clench my hand over my chest. It hurts so fucking bad.

I can’t hate her. No matter how much I want to. Even for taking Abrahm…

And that tears my soul apart.